Imagine you’re in a grocery store, walking down the food aisle pushing your cart, simply minding your own business… but then you see a girl… a very attractive girl… she’s all by herself no boyfriend or husband next to her. While she‘s squeezing at avocados to see which ones are good, you cannot help but look at her.
Your looks aren’t unnoticed… she moves her head and looks right back at you with a bright smile on her face to make eye contact. You consider going up to start a conversation with her and ask for her number, but something holds you back. It feels like an invisible wall was built around you, stopping you from moving even a single step towards her.
This invisible wall has many names: Approach Anxiety, Fear of Rejection, Low Self-esteem, and Lack of Confidence. But no matter what you call it, once it takes control over your thoughts and emotions, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
The result… the cute girl you felt attracted to walks away, and you probably won’t see her ever again. That’s not the outcome you’re looking for, right?
So let me help you to break this mental wall by showing you how to approach girls almost any place, almost any time. Let’s get started, shall we?
“To approach or not to approach? That is the question.”
In my humble opinion, I don’t agree that you first need to have bulletproof signs a woman is sexually attracted to you before you can introduce yourself to her. I’m not looking for eye contact or specific body language behavior first to give me an invitation to say hello. If I get it, great, but if I don’t, that’s fine too.
However, I understand why many guys and coaches are obsessed with signs… The human mind craves certainty like a mouse craves cheese.
But after 1000+ hours of approaching women myself and listening to my private clients do it via a microphone, I discovered a simple pattern when it comes to approaching a woman… never judge a book by its cover. What do I mean by that?
For example, the woman who walks by you wearing sunglasses with a bitchy look on her face will likely turn out to be extremely friendly once you start talking to her. Do you always walk around the street with a giant grin on your face?
Exactly me neither, but if a stranger would come up and nicely introduce herself, then I wouldn’t bash her skull in just because I wasn’t smiling while walking down the street. Quite the opposite, I would respond friendly and kind to her.
So don’t let looking for signs or confirmation stop you from approaching the woman you like. Otherwise, you might let the love of your life walk past you just because she wasn’t smiling at the moment. The question now is, how do you find the courage to approach a girl like her?
How to get over the fear of rejection
There’s a widespread urban myth among guys and dating coaches that the only thing you need to do to overcome the fear of rejection is to expose yourself to the thing you’re most afraid of. In other words, if you approach enough women, you won’t be scared of rejection anymore. Heck, this is precisely what I thought would be the solution to help me with my fears all these years ago.
I mean, it seems like very straightforward and logical advice, especially considering that exposure therapy appears to be quite effective for some people to help them deal with their fear of spiders, for example. But when it comes to dating, there are significant downsides to solely relying on exposure therapy to help you to get over your approach anxiety:
Downside 1: If you’re a busy professional, you most likely won’t have the time or energy to go out every day to approach women to get desensitized to your fear.
Downside 2: Doing it on your own is very hard, so you have to ask a friend or hire a coach to push you into talking to women. And what will most likely end up happening is that you won’t be able to do it on your own without your friend or coach present.
Downside 3: You’ll feel like sh*it. Because you’ll be constantly exposed to what I call the Approach Paradox. Let me explain how it works. You’ll most likely end up talking to women you won’t find attractive. Either because your friend or coach will push you to speak to women they like, or you decide that to improve, you need to talk to more women in general.
Now, on average, women have much higher emotional intelligence than us. So what will happen is that she’ll pick up on the fact that you actually don’t really like her, and therefore she’ll reject you. You’ll feel awful about it and start over-analyzing what you did wrong.
But the truth is that your approach was doomed from the start before you even opened your mouth. Because you didn’t like her anyway so you shouldn’t have talked to her in the first place. That’s why always remember to only approach women you truly desire.
Downside 4: Talking to many women won’t stop you from feeling nervous around them. So you’re fighting a battle that can’t be won. It’s like trying to move the empire state building with your bare hands and hoping it will start moving the more often you try. But just like the empire state building will stay in place, so will your feelings not disappear.
Downside 5: By talking to as many women as possible, you’re trying to cure the symptoms but not the core issue. The actual question you need to solve is: “Why am I afraid to talk to her in the first place?”
The short answer is that deep down, you believe you have nothing to offer her or that you don’t deserve a girl like her. Plus, you immediately put her on a pedestal because of her beauty.
If you are interested in overcoming both, I wrote an extensive article about how to become a confident man using tools I learned from studying cognitive therapy.
Look, I don’t want you to miss out on talking to the girl you like just because you haven’t buried your fear for good yet. That’s why I want to share with you my Efficient Conversation Starter that you can use straight away in case you come across an attractive woman, even if you’re afraid of rejection.
How to approach a woman and start an interesting conversation
When men work up the courage to approach women, they usually fall under three categories:
1: They use pick-up lines to break the ice. They believe that without using funny and witty lines to keep her entertained, women wouldn’t possibly stick around to talk to them.
2: They start bragging about themselves, trying to prove how amazing they’re, so the woman sees them as someone special. Because deep down, they believe they’re not good enough to be with her.
3: They pretend to ask for directions, a bus schedule, what time it is, etc. because they’re afraid to make their sexual intentions clear from the start. But this is a one-way ticket straight to the friend zone.
Those things are major turn-offs for women. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s a video from Kama TV asking random women in the streets of London about the top 3 mistakes most guys make when approaching women.
Now the question is, what would be a better approach? An approach women would appreciate without ever having to face a harsh rejection?
Let me introduce you to the Efficient Conversation Starter. It consists of three ingredients:
Ingredient #1: Prepare her for the approach
You need to grab her attention and silence her autopilot to ignore any strangers talking to her. It’s not her fault; we all have it. Because we all get approached by strangers like UNICEF workers, homeless people, and salesman all the f*cking time. So you have to show her you’re not one of them.
For example, you can say the following: “I know this might sound weird.”
Ingredient #2: Admit the things that are holding you back
As I said before, most men desperately try to hide their insecurities and fears to not appear weak. That’s why they relay pick-up lines or bragging to impress women. But most women know when a man just pretends to be confident.
Instead of making the same mistakes as the others, I want you to face your fears head-on and just admit whatever may be holding you back from talking to her. It sounds counterintuitive, but it works. You’ll look like a hero to her because facing your fears takes a lot of balls.
So what you could say is something like this: “I’m actually really nervous right now, and I think you’re out of my league.”
As a side bonus, you’ll feel more relaxed when talking to her by admitting what is holding you back. Because it will lose its power over you by simply addressing the elephant in the room.
Ingredient #3: Tell her that you find her attractive
When you’re approaching them, the first thing women will think is: “Why are you talking to me? What do you want?” To silence that, you need to give her a good reason for talking to her.
In your case, the reason is simple. You find her very attractive and want to get to know her. So, for example, you could say: “I think you’re really beautiful, and I wanted to come over and say hi… Hi.”
Now, let’s put all the ingredients together and see what an Efficient Conversation Starter could look like:
“I know this might sound weird. I’m actually really nervous right now, and I think you’re out of my league. But I think you’re really beautiful and I wanted to come over to say hi… Hi”
What do I say after I approach her?
The transition from hello to a proper conversation is one of the things my clients struggle with most when approaching women. To help you with that, I want to give you a hack that will make it easier for you to transition into an exciting conversation.
First, after you said the Efficient Conversation Starter, you should introduce yourself and ask for her name. This way, you’re not complete strangers anymore. But then, right after, simply admit that you’re not sure what to say next, and that you’re not doing this very often. This way, you will feel less anxious about running out of things to say, and it will be easier for you to ask for a girl’s number later.
A final word of advice: Starting a conversation with a woman you haven’t met before is not as easy as it looks. Actually, it’s hard for both men and women. That’s why you’ll rarely see a woman making the first move, even if you’re at a friend’s party and you stare at each other across the room for a few minutes.
That’s why I want you to pat yourself on the back for a job well done after you’ve made your first approach. No matter if you got a phone number or not. The important thing is you had the courage to face your fear head-on.
As Mark Twain said: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.”
Your Efficient Dating Advisor,
Herman The German