So you’ve talked to a girl on a dating app… or you’ve recently met a girl, got her number, and now you want to know how to ask a girl out over text. In this post, you’ll discover:
- Why small talk is bad
- When is the right time to ask her out
- What you need to make her want to meet you
And much more… Let’s get right into it and figure out why most guys have trouble asking a woman out successfully.
How to not ask a woman out over text
1. Asking her out too soon before she’s interested
Most guys rely too much on small talk and asking for the date too quickly. The problem with small talk is that she won’t feel like you’re interested in her as a person. But instead just want to get into her pants quickly, without really knowing anything about her.
Plus, if you just chit-chat for a bit with her and suddenly ask her out, she’ll think that you’d take any other woman as well… making you look somewhat desperate. So it only makes sense that asking her out shortly after appears to be moving forward too quickly.
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2. Asking her for a “Date”
Whenever you’re asking a woman out, I want you to forget the word “date.” A date has just too many negative associations. It will make her think of boring dinner dates that feel like going to a job interview. There you need to act on your best behavior and cannot be yourself.
So you’ll make her unnecessarily nervous and anxious about meeting you. And she might not agree to show up to your first date just because you called it a “date.” Recent studies have proven this effect, and psychologists even have a name for it “dating anxiety.”
Instead, use words such as meeting up or hanging out. Phrases that imply that meeting you will be stress-free and fun. As scientists have discovered, the right words significantly affect our perception of things. And if you see an article titled “How to ask a girl for dinner over text”… Run!
3. Waiting too Long (being stuck in a dead-end text conversation)
Most guys fail to ask her out successfully because they wait too long before asking her out. If you’re taking too much time to ask her out, she’ll start thinking if you don’t like her.
“Why isn’t he asking me out?”
“Does he like me?”
“What should I do? I really want to meet him.”
That’s what a woman might think but never tell you directly. So if you already sending each other good morning and sweet dreams messages before you fall asleep, then it’s definitely time to ask her out. If not, you’ll make her lose interest in you.
But how long should you wait? And how do you ask her out then?
When is the right time to ask her out?
To answer this, you should know what you need to do first so a woman wants to meet you. She needs a reason why you would take her out on a date.
I learned this critical lesson from the book Influence by psychology professor Robert Cialdini. He has shown in multiple studies that people are way more likely to comply with a request if you give them a reason why.
Women want to know why you choose her based on personality traits, not superficial reasons like her looks. This way, dating you becomes genuine and authentic… and she won’t feel like you’re treating her like a piece of meat, so to speak.
It shows her you’re interested in her as a real person. And not just as a one-night stand, as most guys do. Don’t get me wrong… you can still date her casually if you want later on. That’s up to you.
But if you want to maximize your chances of asking her out, you better spend some time getting to know her. Or in other words, you need to establish some sort of connection with her first. And it doesn’t take as long as you might think. So how can you do this? In theory, it’s pretty simple:
How to ask a girl out over text – the efficient way
All you need to do is talk with her about 2 or 3 topics where you go a little deeper to uncover her motivations. The topics can be as simple as her job or a hobby she enjoys doing.
So all you really need to do is find out what her job or hobby is in this case, and then ask her why she’s doing it. Depending on how open or shy she is, this can be pretty smooth or tricky while texting.
So some girls might be hesitant to share more about them immediately. Keep that in mind. But if this happens, all you need to do is share something more personal about yourself first. Using the scientifically proven power of reciprocation. This will make her feel more comfortable sharing more about herself right away in most cases.
Epic side effect: once you’re good at connecting with women, they’ll often ask you out first or hint at it because you’re so different from other guys. Now that you’ve connected with her, all there’s left to do is ask her out.
Here’s an example from my client Yoann:
See what my client Yoann did there?
After connecting with her, he told her 3 things out of all the details that stood out to him about her personality. And by doing that, he showed her exactly what he liked about her, so she could feel appreciated and understood as a person.
Also, look at how she told him that she won’t be able to meet him at the suggested time. Most guys would assume that’s bad, but it isn’t. Because she immediately followed up by telling him they could meet once she was back. And that’s one of the signs a woman is sexually attracted to you.
Side tip: Avoid using periods in your text messages when asking her out. Instead, use other punctuation marks or emojis. Studies have found that people perceive texts with periods in them as dishonest.
Now, you might ask yourself, what if she agrees to meet you but cancels at the last minute. How can you prevent this from happening?
How to make sure she shows up on your date
After she says yes, continue talking to her as you usually would. Most guys treat her “yes” as a trophy rather than a confirmation to meet up. So they stop texting her and then expect her to show up for the date later this week.
But the problem with this approach is that she might think you’re not serious about getting to know her. To avoid this, simply keep on texting. The more invested she’s in your conversation, the more likely she’ll show up to your date. In psychology, this is known as sunk cost fallacy. Plus, right before the date, use what I call the Date Confirmer:
An hour before you guys meet up, send her a short message. Or give her a quick call on her phone saying that you’ll be 10 minutes late. If she replies to it, odds are pretty high that she’ll show up.
Now, let’s talk about what if you asked her out, but she hesitates or says no. How can you turn her no into a yes?
What to do if she is unsure and says no?
If you got a negative response, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean it’s game over. Or that she’s playing hard to get. Most likely, it just means she’s not ready to go out with you yet. This can have various reasons, like having had a bad experience in the past with someone she met online.
Or she doesn’t want you to think that she’s easy. Research has shown that Slut Shaming by society makes dating harder for men and women.
So how can you turn her no or maybe into a yes?
Make no big deal out of it and ask her again later. My preferred way is to suggest continuing the conversation on WhatsApp or Facebook if I only chatted with her on Tinder before. And then ask her out again once I talked a bit back and forth with her on social media.
Doing this shows you have social intelligence and understand her reason for saying no. Plus, you make it easier for her to say yes later when you ask her out again. Because she already said yes to you before when you asked her to continue talking on social media instead of Tinder. A principle that psychologists call commitment and consistency.
And last but not least, it makes her feel special and makes you appear more manly in her eyes. Because you simply don’t take no for an answer since she is special to you. No woman ever said: “ I wish my guy wouldn’t treat me as special.”
Here’s an example of how I turned a rejection into a date after she told me she wasn’t looking for a new boyfriend on Tinder:
But once I added her on Facebook and continued talking with her, she changed her mind.
So far, I have shown you the most efficient way to ask a girl out over text. But as I mentioned before, if you have a great profile and she enjoys texting with you, some girls will drop hints to be asked out by you. Or even ask you out yourself. What should you do in those cases?
Cute ways to ask a girl out (reading her signals)
If they really like you, most women will drop hints that they want you to ask them out. Because women play a more passive role in dating than men. So most women won’t ask you out because they think it’s something they shouldn’t do. Plus, they’re afraid to make you feel like less of a man if they do it. This is common knowledge and has been confirmed by many studies.
That being said, they won’t wait patiently to be asked either. She’ll text you hints hoping that you get it that she wants to meet with you.
Here are two examples of such hints:
See what I did there?
First, I acknowledge her hint. And then, I suggested meeting up with her. So whenever you spot a clue, you don’t need to delay asking her out any longer.
With practice, you’ll be able to spot hints more easily. The main thing is to keep your eyes open for them. Some can be more subtle than others. Now, some girls might ask you out, so you don’t have to be always the one to do it.
How to get a girl to ask you out
Studies have shown that women are highly competitive when it comes to guys. Simply put, she can sense how you present yourself and that you must be popular among other girls. That’s why she’ll try to snatch you off the online dating market before another woman has the chance to do so. Just like in this example of mine:
So if you have a great profile and she loves the way you text, then she’ll send you a straightforward text, asking you out by herself. Because it’s quite challenging for an attractive woman to find a man she likes despite many options. When this situation happens, you just need to agree to meet up and suggest some plans on what you guys can do on your date.
We talked about earlier that most men ask a woman out too soon, and that’s why they fail and never hear from her again. It is undoubtedly true, but it is still possible to ask a woman out you just met via online dating straight away.
How to skip straight to the date with one text message
It is possible to jump straight to the date without a long message exchange. If you have a perfect profile, that makes her very eager to meet you. And you’re using humor to ask her out in a way that women would find cute. Only if those conditions are met will this work. Otherwise, you might scare her off, and she’ll stop replying to you.
Here’s an example from a client of mine:
So far, we have discussed how to ask a girl out over text that you don’t know. Someone you just met in the last few weeks over online dating or a party. But how to ask a woman out you have already known for a long time.
How to ask out a girl you already know
You might have a crush on a female friend. Or you want to ask out a female co-worker. I would recommend you to ask her out in person, but if you’re too nervous and would instead do it via text, then here’s how you can do it:
1. Asking out a female friend over text
Text her the following…
“I’m really nervous right now. We’ve been friends for a long time, and I don’t want to risk losing our friendship forever. So I was too afraid to admit it in the past. The truth is, I like you and would love to ask you out.”
If you ask her that way, you don’t need to worry about potentially risking your friendship. Admitting your fear/nervousness is super important, even though it might sound counterintuitive.
It shows her you have social/emotional Intelligence. Not only that, you basically put yourself out there… ready to get your heart smashed into pieces just for her. (pardon, I love exaggerating)
And this is brave. In fact: vulnerability + proactive behavior = insanely attractive
What if she says no?
Well, then you don’t lose anything. You still will remain friends. So you can only win by asking her that way.
2. Asking out a co-worker over text
You can use the same approach with a co-worker as well. But what is important to consider here is that your other colleagues could gossip about you two. You don’t need to be a dating coach to see the downside for your potential relationship by being the #1 talking point in the office.
So you need to demonstrate that whatever might happen, it stays between you two. Plus, you need to ask in a manner that will not get you in trouble with the HR department. Here’s what you can text her:
“I don’t want to make a big fuzz in front of everybody. And I’m a bit nervous right now, but I like you. Would you be opposed to meeting up outside the office?”
According to a recent study, the number of office romances is rising. Even the pandemic didn’t change that. 75% of the people asked in the survey admitted to having a crush on someone at work. So give it a go and find out if she likes you too. Especially if she displays body language signs a woman is sexually attracted to you.
Side note: If you’re still in University. You can tweak the text a bit to make it work.
So remember. If you want to know how to ask her out over text, all you need to do is:
- Don’t rely on small talk too much
- Connect with her by going deeper into 2-3 topics
- Think of a reason why you want to meet her based on what you know about her
And you’re ready to ask her out over text.
Now it’s date-time. But what should you do to not mess things up on your first date? And what date ideas should you avoid if you want a second date with her. Don’t worry. I got you covered.
Check out my article showing you the top 12 first date mistakes.
Your Efficient Dating Advisor,
Herman The German