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Planned dates or spontaneous dates: what do women prefer?

Planned dates or spontaneous dates: what do women prefer?

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Planned dates or spontaneous dates: what do women prefer?

No intro is needed.

Just answers.

Here’s what you’re about to discover:

Table of Contents
💡 Before we begin: An unprofessional definition of spontaneous dates:
Important: When I talk about ‘spontaneous’ dates, I’m not referring to situations where you’re on a date and think about what you could do next with her. It’s situations where you suggest a date the same day, like after work or when you’re around her place. Capeesh? Let’s move on.

Spontaneous dates vs planned dates

Two people arguing which is better planned dates or spontaneous dates


If you’ve been consuming any mainstream dating advice, you’ve certainly come across sentences like:

“Be spontaneous.”

“Be mysterious.”

“Be adventurous.”

“Shave your balls.”

Okay, the last one was a joke, but it’s also somewhat true.

It’s easy to think spontaneous dates are a smart idea… when, in reality, they are not.

As much as you’d like to be a great, interesting guy in front of her, don’t make the mistake most guys do: neglecting the woman’s perspective. 

Let me explain: 

Women want to feel secure and comfortable – especially if they don’t know you yet.

Imagine a person you don’t know that well rings at your door asking you to get out and have some fun… (whatever that means). 

It would feel weird, right?

The last thing you want to give her is a surprise she’s not ready for.

The fact is that women prefer planned dates.

But does that mean spontaneous dates suck?

Heavens, no! You just need to know when and how.

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When to plan a date… and when not. 

A calendar to decide if it's better to go on planned dates or spontaneous dates

If you meet her for the first time, ALWAYS go for a planned date.

Unlike guys, women take more time to prepare for the first date, like thinking about what to wear. If she’s excited to see you, she wants you to like what you see. 

Makes sense, right?

Planning the date also gives you more options to have a more exciting time with her. For example, you could book tickets for a show or let her know in advance how she should dress for the date. 

Don’t keep it a secret about what you’ll do so she comes in a dress to a climbing date.

Not a good start. 

So what about spontaneous dates?

Yes, women love to be surprised. 

It’s one of the key ingredients to keep the spice in your relationship. 

This means for you: spontaneous dates work the best when you’re already dating. So, delay your inner Indiana Jones.

Being adventurous and full of surprises is good, but only after she feels comfortable with you.  

The ONE exception 

There is an exception to this rule: Instant dates! 

If you approach a woman on the street and she is showing you signs of sexual attraction… like asking you about your plans for the day, you can go for an instant date. 

In that case, keep it simple and go for a coffee. It should be a cozy place with plenty of people where she can feel safe. 

Actually, it’s what I aim for when I approach women on the streets: To get her on a spontaneous 15-minute coffee date and get to know her better. The longer we talk and spend time together during our first interaction, the less likely she’ll pull back from a real date.   

Practical tips for better dates

A couple on a planned date


Now, let’s look at what some good date ideas are and how you can ask her out.

Planned date ideas 

If it’s the first date, I want you to remember one thing.

You could call it the first law of dating physics if you want: 

“Motion creates emotion.”

– Herman The German, 2024

Doing some activity that involves physical movement helps you to bring more excitement to your dates. Just like after a good gym session when you feel energized and motivated. 

Good first-date ideas include: 

  • Visit a fighting lesson
  • Do a photography session
  • Visit an art gallery
  • Go on a street festival 
  • Visit a free Salsa course 
  • Do a drumming workshop
  • Let her show you her city (if you’re traveling) 
  • Impro theaters (not a physical activity, but you’ll laugh a lot) 
  • Or… just go for a walk in the park (low budget)
  • Climbing is another nice activity

The options are endless…

And if photography is your thing, one of my clients used to do what’s called Light Painting. It’s a fun activity you can do when you meet in the evening. You’ll have fun pictures of your first date, and who knows… it might become a cherished memory for both of you. 

Horrible first-date ideas

Where’s light, there’s also shadow. Avoid the following first-date ideas at all costs:

  • Dinner dates
  • Cinema visits
  • Swimming/Spa dates
  • Inviting her to your family (lol)
  • Anything extraordinary to flex (keep your private jet dates for later)

Basically, anything where you’re restricted from talking and getting to know each other…  or places without other people that could make her feel uncomfortable.

How to ask her out for a planned date 

Let’s say you got her number. 

You’ve been chatting for a while. Things are looking good, and you want to ask her out. 

(Pssst, by the way: here’s an article on how to know if she’s ready to be asked out).

You can say the following: 

“What does your schedule look like?” 

She might say: “I’m free on Tuesday.”

You: “Will be busy on Monday, but Tuesday looks good. Let’s meet at 5 pm in front of [location].” 

The goal here is to assume she’ll come. Don’t ask her if she’ll be 100% there, just agree with her on the time and let her know where to meet. And if you plan on doing something that requires special clothing, then let her know. 

Bonus tip:

If you think your first date was good, you can schedule a second one with her on the spot:

“I know FHM and Mens Health tell me to wait 3 days before contacting you again… But I’m not so into mind games. I’d like to meet you again. How does your schedule look like next week?”

Have fun.

Spontaneous date ideas 

No need to do anything overly crazy or creative here. 

In fact, it’s even better to be simple, because you don’t need to prepare anything, and neither does she. 

Good ideas include: 

  • Coffee next to her place
  • Tickets to an event that’s happening the same day
  • Surprise visit to her favorite restaurant

The main key here: if you can demonstrate that you’ve listened to her and surprised her with something she enjoys, that’s a big bonus point for you.

How to ask her out on a spontaneous date 

Depending on the situation, you might text her something like:

“Hey, I’m close by, let’s hang out for a coffee.”

Or, just show up at her work at the end of the day to surprise her. 

Lastly, if you’re trying to get an instant date with a woman you just met, say:

“What are you up to right now?”  

If she says she’s not busy at the moment or hasn’t planned anything, simply suggest to sit down for a coffee and continue the conversation.

Congrats. You just got an instant date.

*Shoulder tap* 

Your Efficient Dating Advisor,

Herman The German

Planned dates or spontaneous dates: what do women prefer?


Some other questions that deserve answers:

How should a date be planned?

If it’s the first date, do something simple. No overnight trips or expensive and overly time-consuming activities. Let her know in advance what you’ve planned so she knows what to expect. 

How far in advance should dates be planned?

One week is plenty. 3-5 days are usually enough. No need to look like an obsessive planner.

Who plans dates in a relationship?

Both of you should equally invest time and effort into your relationship whenever possible. If only one of you plans dates, it may be a good idea to find out why that is. 

Should the guy be planning dates?

Like above, yes and no. It’s ok to do it in the beginning. But once you’re in a relationship, both of you should take the time to plan a date from time to time. A relationship consists of two persons, not one. 🙂

Guten Tag, I’m Herman the German, original inventor of the Efficient Dating Systems Made in Germany.

I help smart, single men finally get and keep the girl they really want.

Using my background as a Frankfurt-trained financial engineer, I went on a quest to find dating patterns that truly work – my friends asked me to use my cold analytical skills to help them notice recurring patterns in their dating life.

This has been my single obsession since 2012.

Throughout my decade-long research, I was interviewed by German media, curious to know what I’d identified. And I was invited on many occasions to talk on stage as a guest expert – although I prefer the term life-long learner as I keep discovering new principles and techniques in my private practice.

As an introduction to my systems, I’m offering you to try my proven conversation starter template to make almost any woman interested in you, at no cost.

Claim your welcome gift now at: www.becomeherman.com/discover/

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